Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize