Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i think i just lost a toe
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
