I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
