Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
