Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize