you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
