open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
