Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I will pee on everything he values.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
