would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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