Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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