My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
