i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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