Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize