Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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