my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
