I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
