im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
