I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
