Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
