If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize