Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
