Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
