Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
