Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
