literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
