why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
