did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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