the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
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