I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
