you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
