i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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