this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
