bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
