then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
