how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
