is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
