you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I said "one day" and that day is not today
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
