I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
false alarm. still invincible.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
