if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
where are you?
Hypothermia
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Couch. On fire.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
