She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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