I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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