he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
