Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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