he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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