This dress was meant to end up on your floor
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
