3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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