Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
