The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
