he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
