i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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