I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
