life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
