I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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