sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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