Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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