I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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