my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
