Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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