Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
