She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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